it's like her boobs came off with her bra
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
