just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
