I heard we made out
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize