The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
