It's Friday. Sex?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
