Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
