I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
