Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
