I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
