Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
