Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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