just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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