There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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