Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize