Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Girls should come with a carfax report
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
