I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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