My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
