I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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