totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
