This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize