Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize