That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
