Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
