How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
