My hand turned me down
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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