Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
