youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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