I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So many bounce houses so little time
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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