every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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