I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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