you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
