i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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