I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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