No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
