I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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