A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
