my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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