i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
