Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
