the condom got lost in my hair
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
