I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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