marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
