What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
