god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
