remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
