why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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