He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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