need another drink. this is the easiest way
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
