apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
don't judge my taste in strippers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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