When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
