At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
