Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
