I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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