well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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