i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
