I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
