I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
