please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
