Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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