My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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