By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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